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John W. McCain
|John McCain}} presents his successor with a birthday cake, August 29, 2005. There's nothing incompetent about remembering your friend's birthday!]] Mr. McCain has released his plans for health care in America! Please review his plan here Help pay for his amazing run for the Presidency at the Maverick Marketplace! John W. McCain (Born August 23, 5000 B.C. at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center) is an American Republican Senator From Arizona. He is known world-wide as The Greatest Maverick Ever! Run for President !]] John McCain is going to be the next president of the United States of America and will officially change his name to George W. Bush the 2nd. His executive assistant will be maverickess, Sarah Palin. Our dear Stephen Predicts that he will be the next President...of Foxnews. His Age It is believed that John McCain is 7008 years old making him the oldest person in history, in fact over a 1000 years older then the universe itself. There has been a lot of debate over McCain's age. Historians believe that he may be the oldest living person ever deduced from early cave paintings that depicted McCain as the "god of longevity" or "god of yellow teeth". Even in those cave paintings, McCain was an old, old, old man. His long life has led him to make many enemies down the millenia. Known Enemies *computers *e-mail *those damn young people on his lawn *cell phones *black young people *color TV *Iran *iPods *rock 'n roll Dr. Colbert No Longer Hates Mr. McCain At first, Dr. Colbert hated John McCain. He was never really sure why, but he did. And he hated him with gusto. Then, something changed and now Stephen doesn't hate John McCain so much any more. "Fearing Liberals" is there nothing you can't do? McCain and George Allen BFF McCain's Virility Senator McCain may be a very old man, but he still has what it takes to charm the ladies! Naturally, no legitimate news outfit is running the story, but the liberal media, lead by The New York Times, has speculated that the relationship is non-sexual, claiming that Mr. McCain is not as uncorrupted as he says he is on his Straight Talk Express. Come on, liberals! He said it aboard the Straight Talk Express!!! Why don't you just believe him? In addition, McCain hired a wingman as Chief of Staff, Mark Buse. Mr. Buse's heterosexuality is without question! McCain's Heroism Against His Gook Captors In Communist Korea See full article: Feats of Heroism When John McCain returned from Vietnam after 5 1/2 years without healthcare, he returned alone. His wife was so vain and power hungry that she was busily having an affair with some young buck, heir of a brewer that he was forced to divorce her. His shame about his first marriage haunts him to this day, that he does not discuss it with reporters, even off the record. Arianna Huffington said Iraq is McCain's viagra. Stephen said the warning on the bottle would be: If your erection lasts for more than 100 years, pull out. McCain's Friends You know how John always uses the term "my friends" in his speeches? That's because he has so many of them! * 177 friends on MySpace * Thomas Loeffler * Doug Goodyear * Doug Davenport * Eric Burgeson * Craig Shirley * Charlie Black * Vicki Iseman * Donald Diamond * Jack Abramoff and Ralph Reedhttp://citizensforethics.org/node/33775 * Charles Keating * Rick Renzi * Conrad Burns * John Stewart * Phil Gramm * Nancy Pfotenhauerhttp://thinkprogress.org/2008/07/17/pfotenhauer-misinformed-oil-spill/ * Randy Scheunemannhttp://www.juancole.com/2008/08/mccain-strategist-lobbyist-for-georgia.html * Rick Davishttp://www.politico.com/news/stories/0707/4900.html * David Ifshinhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/marc-cooper/mccains-own-60s-radical-p_b_132032.html Some Of His Best Friends Are Gooks! McCain's Leadership! McCain Policy Proposals * Reform of the UN called 'League of Democracies' McCain's Environmental Loving John McCain is the biggest environmentalist of the GOP candidates. This is mainly because he bought in into the liberal propaganda that ANWR is a pristine wilderness not some barren wasteland like every American knows, also he was against offshore oil drilling. Luckily he is slowly getting rid of Liberal propaganda, mainly by supporting offshore drilling, because he was proving a point that he is immune to permanent brainwash. This however pissed off the liberals, so their idol Barrak Obama was sent to attack him along with the America-hating NBC. McCain however laughed at them and kept slowly going away from being an environmentalist. But since he still doesn't support drilling for oil in ANWR he is still one of the biggest environmentalist of the GOP. Foreign Relations Cred * McCain, or El Maverickoso, as he is known in Mexico, related his expertise in this area directly to the unAmerican paper without so much as a minor faux pas (that's French!) or an interpreter! He even spoke their language! Now, all the other Spanish-language papers want a piece of him, too! Someone in McCain's staff have leaked the possibility that Esteban Colberto will be hired to help the campaign with all the calls! McCain's Inspirational Leadership * His Most Famous Speech McCain Wives John McCain has only one wife (he's not some freak) although he was married once before to someone that became crippled, fat and ugly so....like all good Republicans he cheated on her with a skinny rich blond hussy that trapped him into divorcing his first wife so he could take her all the way to the White House.....on a public tour. Cindy does not go out in public looking like a trollop. She supports her husband, in strict adherence to America's Bible, laws and customs. Despite this, Wikiality.com has given her, her own tube. Cindy is the most honest woman on earth. She would never tell a lie....except about her age to John when they first met, to better trap the man she was hunting. McCain: Master Of The Internets! !]] The next presumptive American President is so technically literate (how literate is he!?) he surfs the internets! Please check out these tubes that Mr. McCain has saved on his internets brows-o-scanner: * Drudge * The Facebook (to keep in touch with his peeps) * JohnMcCain.com his official webtube! * Compendium of cats McCain Straight Factoids * John is very superstitious, please click here to see a list of things he is superstitious about. * doesn't plaster his makeup on like a trollophttp://wonkette.com/376849/mccain-called-his-wife-c+word * his white grandmother may be Eve *McCain is a political bisexual who goes both ways in DC. *McCain invented the Blackberry. *McCain is born in the Panama Canal Zone, which is in America's hemisphere making it America's property. *McCain's middle name is retirement home. *John McCain is the only Scotch and or Irish Senator from Arizona. *McCain invented the Strawberry around 5000 B.C. *He is a Veteran and Ex-POW of the Vietnam War. *McCain has recently announced on Late Night Television that he will run for President in 2008. , they didn't have guns!]] *McCain has recently seen the light and reversed his long held policy on Women's rights. *Previously supported The GWOT, but now feels that the soldiers lives are being wasted. However, he still supports the war. *John McCain supports the troop surge. *More importantly, he supports The Greatest President Ever. *Has an evil former Secretary of State, Lawrence Eagleburger, endorsing him for President. *Stephen feels McCain's wife is a hottie. *McCain supports The Baby Jesus! *According to his campaign website, John McCain won the first Republican Candidates Debate. *He has an illegitimate black baby. *His nomination will prompt the The Suicide Pact of 08‎. *There are rumors that Democrats are making fun of his being old as dirt in code.http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0608/11122.html *Nothing says winner like tying yourself to a guy that your party nicknamed loserman http://www.johnmccain.com/citizens/?s=google&t=joel&r=co The Great Liberal High Crime Against McCain In March 2007, the Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy used their Satanic powers to inflict damage on McCain's MySpace profile.Healy, Kieran. (2007). McCain Space. Crooked Timber. Although the liberals claimed that no laws were broken in the process, but as any Real American knows, the liberals have broken the highest law of all — the law against treason. Allegations Of Public Temper Losses McCain has always been a cool customer. He has never lost his temper, not even when he spent five years at the hands of his gook captors. Hell, he's so calm and colected, he's even forgiven them! But, naturally, the liberals create a reality of their own to dispute the facts that McCain has to repeatedly remind them of on a daily basis. The liberals have accused Mr. McCain of losing his temper in reaction to: * bright lights * women pointing out that he has a combover * clouds * kids on his lawn * his black child * his black child on his lawn * liberals with lawns Acting Career In addition to being a born-again Republican and a "good friend" of the Greatest President Ever, McCain is also celebrated actor. Watch out Fred Thompson, that Oscar belongs to Johnny-boy! locked in an epic duel.]] Filmography * Die Hard * Die Hard 2 * Die Hard With a Campaign * Bears in a Submarine * Live Republican or Die Hard * Star Wars: Revenge of the Liberal Famous Quotes by McCain *"...job loss, failing schools, prohibitively expensive health care, pensions at risk, entitlement programs approaching bankruptcy, rising gas and food prices, to name a few. But your government often acts as if it is completely unaware of the changes and hardships in your lives. And when government does take notice, often it only makes matters worse." New, Hipper Image Okay we got nothing. References See Also * What's in McCain's medical records? * Cindy McCain * Megan McCain * Old * John McCain's speech on "job loss, failing schools... * The History of John McCain * Sarah Palin * Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Iran External Tubes * McCain's Banking Expertise * McCain's Voting Expertise McCain-mentum * John McCain at Campaigns Wikia * John McCain's 2008 Presidential PR Site * Maverick Marketplace!